I’m on my last cigarette

Watching the embers burn

While the stench of tobacco soaks into my hoodie

Feeling too awake to go inside-

On my fire escape, I watch the alley rats play tag

Why can’t I be an alley rat?

Worrying only about where the best trash is at

Or whether to cross the road or not

Would the children ask their parents why we crossed it?

What would they tell them?

Because they wanted to play tag?

Or maybe our trash wasn’t good enough for them

Maybe it was to reach the other side

I exhale

The weight of it all compresses my chest

And breathing becomes harder with every puff

My breath falls down into the wind that blew my cigarette butt away

Adding to the pile of trash that I'd eat if I were one of them

Do they wonder why?

Do they regret not being human- do they regret being born?

And what about the stray cats, who chase after them, and have no home?

Do they know they’re invasive?

Do they know it’s not their fault?

Is my brokenness to blame for my existential thinking?

Maybe life would be more, if I were a rat

Every time I find food or warmth I can bask in its reward

There are no rat presidents

No political views I need to fear or choose from

There are no rat taxes

The only thing we have to lose is our lives, not our rights

I crave for another cigarette the way I want to crave life

Shaking my empty carton as if another one would magically fall out

Maybe if I shake it enough, another life would fall out too

Another chance, different choices and regrets

Just one last puff

Maybe this time- I can try again

Even if I'm just a rat.